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No, seriously…

Your mom told you not to play with fireworks.

Droughts are hurting winos as well.

A drunk 11-year-old girl led police on an 8-mile high-speed chase in Alabama last night.

To catch a toddler… Illinois police used the lure of a happy meal to catch a 4-year-old who had called 911 over 300 times.

A 5-year-old boy took a rabid fox at a cookout in North Carolina. Between the rabid foxes and the piranha, I’m officially scratching North Carolina off my list of places to visit before I die.

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The Indianapolis Star’s Bob Kravitz looks at how Pacers management has completely bungled this offseason.

Put all of Buffalo on suicide watch: The Edmonton Oilers have put in an seven-year, $50 million offer sheet in for restricted free agent forward Thomas Vanek, who had 43 goals last season. The Sabres have seven days to match the offer. Update: The Buffalo News is reporting that the Sabres will match Edmonton’s offer sheet.

Pittsburgh Pirates CEO Kevin McClatchy will step down at the end of the year. But not before the Bucs complete their 15th consecutive losing season.

Dhani Jones has signed with the Saints. Congratulations, New Orleans! You get a linebacker who dresses better than he plays. This guy was an absolute bum for the Eagles and I was ecstatic when the Birds gave him his walking papers. But look at this way, now the Saints linebacking corps features Mark Simoneau and Dhani Jones. Congrats, really.

The Arizona Republic’s Nick Piecoro wonders whether Randy Johnson was worth a $24 million commitment from the D-Backs as he goes back on the DL.

The Oklahoma football team will use helmets this season designed to detect the early signs of a head injury.

One San Fransisco Chronicle columnist thinks next week’s All-Star game is the most “overhyped” sporting event in the history of the Bay Area sports.

The Orlando Sentinel’s Mike Bianchi said he was disappointed to learn that Grant Hill had taken a deal with the Suns.

The Los Angeles Times Bill Plaschke thinks the Lakers need guard Derek Fisher to help steady the recently tumultuous franchise and help team chemistry. You know what else would help team chemistry? Kobe Bryant not ripping his teammates for two morons with a camera phone.

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Well-rounded news…

You have 12 hours to vote on Time’s New Seven Wonders of the World.

Fergie denies being paid by a clothing line to drop the name of the company in her lyrics. If you’re seriously looking to Fergie for musical integrity, you have problems that go well beyond listening to Fergie.

‘Who will buy Facebook?’ becoming hot question.

Microsoft will take a $1 billion hit this quarter because of the number of general hardware failtures on the XBOX 360.

The number of Facebook users is up 89% from last year and the demographics appear to be shifting from undergrads to postgrads and teens.

Interesting piece in BusinessWeek about the socioeconomic differences between MySpace and Facebook users. The author suggests that the two social networking sites may not be in direct competition after all.

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are writing another script.

Keith Olbermann urges Bush and Cheney to resign. I don’t necessarily agree with what he’s saying but I still think Olbermannis self-important and smarmy. And isn’t this just grandstanding? I mean do you really think the Prez and the Veep are at home watching MSNBC and listening to Olbermann’s indictment of their character and saying, “Oh, alright, Keith. You win!”

Avril Lavigne is being accused of plagiarizing her hit, “Girlfriend.” Wait, you mean to tell me that Avril Lavigne didn’t come up with that gem on her own?

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