__________

No, seriously…

Emus love Wal-Mart.

That’s news to me: VA tells woman she’s dead.

That’s assault, brotha: Schoolchildren in Colorado no longer allowed to play tag.

Woman makes it known that she’s paranoid and racist at San Fransisco airport.

British crooks try tunneling to ATM.

___________

Colorado QB Cody Hawkins on being “the coach’s kid.”

Hokies to honor shooting victims before Saturday’s game against ECU.

No favorites in Heisman race, says SI writer.

Gamecocks oft-arrested freshman quarterback Stephen Garcia gets redshirt.

ESPN takes over “Two-A-Days.”

Browns fans vote on Quinn’s coif, prefer it long.

Nice piece in the New York Times on Jets rookie linebacker David Harris.

A story in the Washington Post about the beasts USC has at linebacker.

Is the Big Ten overrated or did it have a bad week last year?

Hoosiers trying not to think about emotions as gameday without Hep approaches.

‘07 Gators have challenge ahead, say ‘97 Gators.

Georgia will be tested, says former Oklahoma State coach Les Miles.

Pac-10 has worst refs, coaches say.

Andy Reid should have stayed home to deal with family issues, Inquirer columnist says.

VT players prepare for rush of emotions Saturday afternoon.

Will Demetrius Jones start for Notre Dame Saturday?

Slate combs college message boards.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette picks the top college football games this year.

Ainge breaks pinkie, will start Saturday.

The AJC’s Tony Barnhart predicts the conference champions.

The Big 12 eyes a return to the top.

The Pac-10 needs to make a BCS stand.

UCLA, Cal poses biggest threat to USC’s Pac-10 supremacy.

Cal’s strategy is simple: get the ball in the hands of DeSean Jackson.

____________

Well-rounded news…

Trailer up for Steve Carell’s new movie “Dan in Real Life”

MTV bored enough to make reality television show about high school newspaper.

So why are Americans eating so much shrimp?

The producers of Lost sound off on Island’s new residents.

Is there a Magneto movie in the works?

Cinematical misses the pre-Earl Jason Lee.

I plan on watching some NFL exhibition football for as long as I can stand it tonight (which could end up being the first quarter or so) but hey.. football’s back! Can’t feel too bad about that!

__________

No, seriously…

Beavers attacking the elderly.

Cops shouldn’t wear cowboys boots.. no one should really.

__________

ESPN’s Mark Schlabach looks at which college football coaches are on the hottest seats in 2007.

Arizona Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt takes his team to see The Bourne Ultimatum.

ESPN Ombudsman: ‘Who’s Now?’ draws venomous response from ESPN faithful.

Another story on the Virginia Tech football team, this time by SI’s Stewart Mandel.

More of Fanhouse’s Big 12 Preview:

• Toughest schedules
• Coaches on the hot seat
• Underdogs

ESPN’s Pat Forde on the war of words between Michigan and former player and current Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh. The Detroit Free Press’ Mark Snyder.

ESPN/ABC has released its schedule for the 2007 college football season.

Notable opinions: Mike Lupica, Michael Wilbon on Barry Bonds.

Racism in European soccer targeted at American DaMarcus Beasley.

Introducing, Steely McBeam, the new Pittsburgh Steelers mascot.

It’s never too early for an Indiana basketball story.

Brady Quinn expects to earn his lumps at Browns camp after holdout.

Steven Jackson shrugs off hard hits at Rams camp.

Another story from a paper outside Indiana about the start of Hoosiers football practice.

Joey Harrington says he was handcuffed by Lions.

Frank Beamer says he wasn’t accusing Georgia of spying on his practices.

Oklahoma defensive back Reggie Smith might be the best player you’ve never heard of.

Things get testy at USC camp.

__________

Well-rounded news…

30 percent of X-Box 360 owners don’t know the system performs in hi-def. I’m not one of them. It’s amazing.

What makes sweet tea so special in the South?

Kevin Smith on losing Rosario Dawson and his birthday.

Blockbuster acquires movie download service MovieLink.

Kevin Smith is not directing SuperMax.

Wild Oats profits fall through the floor.

Last night’s Top Chef

• Gail Simmons
  
• Ted Allen
• Anthony Bourdain

__________

No, seriously…

A man in New Orleans found a knife in his back more than 5 months after he was stabbed in a fight.

Zimbabwe authorities are pissed at a medium that led them on a hunt for diesel fuel the medium said was in the northwestern part of the country.

__________

Great Q&A on The Big Lead with The Washington Post’s Michael Wilbon.

The Falcons could face some serious consequences if Michael Vick practices, says SI’s Peter King.

Hawaii wants ESPN’s College Gameday to travel to the Big Island for the Warriors’ tilt against Boise State. Not gonna happen.

Brynn Cameron not about to put Matt Leinart up for Father of the Year. Unfortunately, this story isn’t that surprising.

A pair of stories on how Virginia Tech football players are preparing for the start of the ‘07 season. New York Times/Orlando Sentinel

Is Brady Quinn a jerk?

SI’s Grant Wahl on David Beckham’s debut Saturday night.

Keith Hernandez on his famous role on Seinfeld. The Zapruder-style footage of Hernandez spitting on Kramer and Newman is one of my favorite moments in television history.

__________

Well-rounded news…

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune on Best Buy’s Geek Squad taking stuff off your computer. Consumer rights blog The Consumerist led the way on this story. Good job, guys.

University of Kansas students will have their internet privileges taken away if they are caught file sharing.

The assistant managing editor at the Birmingham News is a genius!

An amazing map of Web 2.0.

Netflix has lowered their subscription fees in an effort to keep up with Blockbuster online. $1 guys! That’ll show ‘em!

Flying Gonzo!

Part one of Entertainment Weekly’s Top 50 Best Love Songs Ever.

Bottom Line fav Nada Surf to hit the road in the fall to preview new material from their upcoming, yet-to-be-named album.

David Chase addresses The Sopranos finale.. sort of.

The Sacramento Bee will begin posting video letters to the editor on its site.

What to do with that Joan Obsborne CD you can’t believe you own.

XM and Sirius execs continue to try to convince the FCC that its merger is good for consumers. No way.

__________

No, seriously…

Don’t let firefighters from Braintree, Mass. into your house.

__________

Though he’s not playing, the focus of MLS fans is very much on David Beckham — and if you read the quote at the bottom of this article, it appears not everyone is stoked about it.

The opening of Madden 2008 features Eagles safety Brian Dawkins (a.k.a. “Dawk,” “Weapon X) and makes me want to run through a brick wall.

Steelers guard Alan Faneca says this will be his last year with the Steelers. Is this guy as irreplaceable as he seems to think he is?

The NHL ways from being a mainstream success says paper in a city without an NHL team.

The Tennessean takes a fun look at the mascots of the SEC.

The AJC’s Tony Barnhart ranks the SEC’s best new assistants.

Pro athletes see degrees as key to life after sports.

Apparently Hollywood is pretty excited about having Becks in town.

The Denver Post’s John Henderson: Beckham’s talent gets lost in the circus that is the player’s life.

Apparently, everyone and their brother is reviewing NCAA Football 2008. Personally, I love the game on the 360. I realize it’s not perfect but I think the graphics are great, the game does play a little slow but all of the interfaces are great, recruiting is a blast and the dynasty mode with ESPN.com is pretty amazing.

Is Barry Bonds boycotting the Worldwide Leader?

Japanese reporter gets baseball writers association membership stripped after getting Clemens’ autograph.

__________

Well-rounded news…

The latest on two upcoming Kevin Smith films.

Some stills and video from the shoot of “Dark Knight” the sequel to Batman Begins have gotten out. I think I peed a little when I saw these.

Entertainment Weekly has listed its top 10 “small roles with a big impact” for actors who played small parts in movies that made the films they were in. A notable abscence from this list is Kevin Spacey as John Doe from David Fincher’s classic “Se7en.” Oh yeah and Coldplay’s cameo at the end of Shaun of the Death. Where can I get my tickets to ZombAid?

Bottom Line fave, Arctic Monkeys, are hitting the US this fall. My girlfriend will be happy to know that while she may have dodged an evening with Bloc Party, she’ll be accompanying me to the Monkeys gig in New Orleans. Put on your dancin’ shoes!

Harry Potter fans everywhere are pissed at the New York Times for reviewing the last Harry Potter book before it hit store shelves.

Drew Carey to be the new host of the Price is Right? What else does he have to do besides listen to Wayne Brady sing and count money?

Imagine all the fake legs you could buy for $40 million!

Everything you ever needed to know about life, you can learn from watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Brian Williams loves Interpol and Feist and She Wants Revenge (who sound exactly like Interpol).

__________

No, seriously…

Dressing monkeys in diapers with the beautification of a city in mind.

__________

The phenomenon of 7-0n-7.

The wife of troubled Devil Ray Elijah Dukes makes some very strong accusations in the couple’s divorce proceedings.

Duke football turns to the university’s business school for help with program.

The Baltimore Sun’s Rick Maese thinks Beckham’s arrival will have little effect on the perception of the MLS stateside.

A Virginia Tech golfer uses tragedy as motivation to win British Amateur.

The Indiana High School Athletic Association has no plans to test the state’s high school athletes for steroids. I think this is a huge mistake. As someone who played high school football in the state of Indiana I can tell you that some kids are looking for anyway to get a competitive advantage and get noticed by college scouts. What you don’t want is kids taking these easy-to-get OTC supplements and playing drugstore cowboy and taking whatever they want, however they want. It’s a shame that the state has opted not to join Florida, New Jersey and Texas on the forefront of this issue.

The State (Columbia, S.C.) looks at the effect the Confederate flag has on the state’s athletes.

Former Houston Oilers remember their first training camp in Nashville.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s Tony Barnhart says Arkansas has the SEC’s easiest schedule.

LeBron James will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live in the fall.

ESPN’s Steve Davis says the competition in the MLS is tougher than most people think.

USAToday’s takes a pre-season look at the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Boston Globe’s Peter May is not too impressed with the Magic signing forward Rashard Lewis.

The Worldwide Leader’s Gene Wojciechowski talks about the Beckham press conference last Friday.

Former Worldwide Leader talking head, and one of the Bottom Line’s most self-important people in sports, Dan Patrick to be brought to you in every way, shape and form.

The NFL has officially lost it.

Minnesota coach Tim Brewster has dismissed four Golden Gophers from the team in connection to an ongoing sexual assault case. Hmm, no one’s been convicted but the coach still had the integrity to kick them off the team. Getting any ideas, Arthur Blank?

Gary Player says there is steroid use in golf.

Cell phones have been banned from this year’s British Open.

CBS Sportsline’s Mike Freeman ranks the top 10 dirtiest college football programs.

Minnesota Wild goon Derek Boogaard teaches little kids how to properly throw down on the ice. What a complete moron this guy is. Any parent of a young hockey player with a functioning brain wouldn’t think of taking their kids to this stupid thing.

__________

Well-rounded news…

The last installment of the Harry Potter series hits eyeballs a week early.

You might want to re-think taking that homemade iPod charger through airport security.

Wired’s Epicenter blog wonders if Digg will shut down posts and comments with the address to the pirated copy of the last Harry Potter book.

iPhones shut down Duke University wi-fi.

The New York Daily News’ Jack Mathews lists his favorite flicks of ‘07 so far.

A nice look at VH1’s weekly skankfest “Rock of Love.”

Tim Russert would love to have Bruce Springteen on “Meet the Press”.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is saying there are no Facebook IPO plans — yet.

Zach Braff and creator Bill Lawrence has confirmed that this will be the last season of Bottom Line fave ‘Scrubs’.

Fox’s ‘House’ is getting some new blood for season four.

___________

No, seriously…

More than 500 people are reporting symptoms of food poisoning after Taste of Chicago.

A Florida man called 911 because he was surrounded by police and needed help.

___________

The Titans are finding that replacing a felonious defensive back is harder than it might seem.

The Wall Street Journal’s Jason Fry examines the idiocy of the NFL’s new 45-second rule.

Is there beef between Matt Leinart and Ben Roethlisberger?

With the Bobcats trading for Jason Richardson and re-signing Gerald Wallace, the Fanhouse wonders if there’s room for Adam Morrison in Charlotte?

After signing defensive tackle Cory Redding to a contract that doesn’t make sense, the Lions will likely be facing a holdout from its top pick Calvin Johnson.

Edgerrin James is ditching his gold teeth.

In 14 months, at least six Baltimore-area high school athletes were KIA in Iraq.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch’s Kathleen Nelson looks at some possible NFL reality shows to hold you over until Week 1.

Has Barry Bonds caused a riff on Fox’s baseball telecasts?

Great story in the Kansas City Star about how fans punctuate milestone moments in their lives in stadiums.

The Oklahoman’s John Rohde on what he thinks will keep him entertained until the start of football season.

Fun story in the Denver Post today about celebrity golf tournaments.

__________

Well-rounded news…

Apple has filed a patent for a backlit trackpad.

Broadband speed in the U.S. stinks.

The first four episodes of fourth season of The Office will be an hour long.

Is NBC revamping American Gladiators?

Bloc Party frontman Kele Okereke has a unique way of dealing with the paparazzi.

No notion could possibly be more preposterous. To suggest that the ESPYs mean serve any other function than to further exalt ESPN to its rightful place as the Worldwide Leaders in Sports is completely ridiculous. Say some punt returner wins an ESPY for Play of the Year. If that same player were to go to his respective team when his contracted expired and say, “Hey, I think I deserve to make this much as an ESPY winner.” Chances are he’d get laughed out of the room. Now if an actor won an Oscar or an Emmy, their value to studios or networks increases exponentially and it can be used as a bargaining chip. The ESPYs are nothing more than a completely contrived product of ESPN and should not be taken seriously in any way, shape or form.

__________

No, seriously…

You should really get rid of any drugs on your person before asking the cops for a ride home.

A Florida woman complained to a cop that a man had sold her bad crack.

A man crashed into a South Carolina police officer with 43 pounds of marijuana in his car.

Telemarketing isn’t for everyone.

__________

Newsweek’s Devin Gordon questions the role ESPN plays in today’s sports landscape.

Carson Palmer points out some of Ed Reed’s weaknesses as a safety.

NFL commish Roger Goodell reduced the 4-game suspension of Chiefs defensive end Jared Allen to just two games to match his two drunk driving arrests.

New Orleans is trying to convince the NFL to move the NFL Draft to the Big Easy.

South Carolina freshman quarterback Stephen Garcia is real close to getting himself kicked off the team. This kid can’t seem to keep himself out of trouble and as far as character issues are concerned, he has to raise about every red flag there is. I guess if you can throw a football 60 yards on the fly, it doesn’t matter if you key a professor’s car.

The finale of the Fanhouse’s best quarterbacks of the SEC.. guess who’s number 1?

On the night of the NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets reportedly passed on a deal that would have sent Jermaine O’Neal to the Nets for Richard Jefferson, Nenad Krstic and Jason Collins.

Madden champions might be awarded championship rings.

The Baton Rouge Advocate’s Scott Rabalais warns not to expect any changes to the BCS anytime soon.

A nice story about Deion Sanders in today’s Dallas Morning News.

The Arizona Super Bowl Host Committee is expecting 800 to 1,000 corporate jets to descend on area airports when the Super Bowl is played in February.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who hates ESPN’s stupid ‘Who’s Now?’ tournament.

Sports blog Awful Announcing explains why so many people hate ESPN.

__________

Well-rounded news…

Slate questions Toyota’s “Little Deviants” ad campaign. I felt the same way the author of this piece does when I first saw this spot. It was before a movie and I was sitting there thinking, “Wow, this is really violent and inappropriate.” I think whoever greenlighted this campaign could end up paying for it with their job.

Robert De Niro’s next foray into directing will be a depiction of the 1949 Chinese Revolution.

Fox is keeping a very tight lid on the new Simpsons Movie and most critics won’t see the film until three days before it hits movie theatres everywhere. I’ll be very interested to see how this film does. I don’t think that anyone I know watches the Simpsons with any regularity but I still think the popularity of the series is undeniable and I think the movie will do very well… not Harry Potter well.. but it will rake in some box office bucks..

Johanna Bennett, ex-girlfriend of Arctic Monkeys frontman Alex Turner, talks about how the pair co-wrote the band’s infectious “Fluorescent Adolescent.”

The fourth season of Bottom Line fav Top Chef will be shot in Chicago.

Bravo will premiere eight, one-hour episodes of “Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style,” starting in September. They’ve ordered another season of Project Runway but last I’d heard it was not certain that Gunn would return for a fourth season. Just a memo to Bravo, no more Shear Genius or Top Design, no one’s watching and those shows are garbage.

__________